Random thoughts that I should have kept to myself

1. If your entire life is working up towards one really important purpose that you hold on to for years, then you will have a major anticlimax after the dust settles. I always get into stupid fights with my friends because they have it "all figured out" and I haven't even picked a college yet. Let me see if I got it right. You go to kinder-garden, then to elementary school, then to highschool, and by the time you finish highschool you have to know who you are and what you want to do, otherwise you'll be poor and have an unsatisfying life, isn't that right? And then you go to college, and straight after college you go out and join the world -you go find a job, hopefully one which would lead to a career, get married, have kids. But it's not over yet. You still have to get to that point in your career when money will come flowing and everything else will come easy, so you work and work and work and try to reach higher and higher positions, but it's never enough. Then you retire, and you try to enjoy everything more because you have the sudden revelation that life is finite and you wasted it working in some racket selling insurance, but it's harder now because you're getting older and sicker and then you're dead, and the only proof of your existence are your kids, and soon they will be dead as well. Maybe I'm too cynical, it's true, but I hate it that we think of life by analogy with an escalation with a major goal at the end, and the most important thing is to get to that end, whether it's success, money, starting a family or whatever. It makes you miss it all.

2. Destiny does not exist. Some people think it's beautiful, that we are led by a superior force which has already figured things out for us, but don't you see how limiting, delusional and stupid this is? You're basically saying that I have no control over my life and no matter what I choose to do with it it's in fact already set since before I was even born. Why would anyone lower themselves to the level of just a "project"?

3. Lately I find myself in too small a circle of friends. For whatever reason, I repeatedly agreed to go out with "acceptable" people. What is there to discuss with this kind of people? When I start (or try to) a conversation, excepting the not so rare, stupid cases when I offer "psychological counseling" and bad advices, I suddenly realize its striking nullity. It's almost delusional. And then, one of two things happens. I either indulge myself into superficial conversations, about mutual acquaintances, parents, school, you name it, or I fall into an abrupt disapproval of everything and everyone and start an almost incoherent confusing argument with my equally confused partners. I allow myself to get dragged into this delirious situations, being under the impression that I don't have anything better to do.

Ryan Mcginely

He's simply one of my favorite photographers of all times. It was about time I mentioned him here as well.








"Photography is about freezing a moment in time; McGinley's is about freezing a stage in a lifetime. Young and beautiful is as fleeting as a camera snap--and thus all the more worth preserving."

I'm a cliché

I am. I admit that I went through a Dali phase. I searched and devoured his art, read books about him, I claimed to "get" his "Un Chien Andalou". I can be such a poser sometimes. I also went through an Andy Warhol phase. Again, I sought out his art, read a lot about him, watched documentaries about him. I even got to the point where I wished for my very own Factory, I wanted, of course, to truly be a "deeply superficial person". Although I got through it, sometimes I still entertain dreams of having a Warhol-like Factory. With groundbreaking parties and lots of amphetamine, if you will. I went through similar phases with several other painters, musicians, movie directors, writers etc. I get to a point where I become completely obsessed with them, with their lives and everything. I always look for new models to take refuge into. Give me a break. Forgot how a semi-shallow, easy-to-impress highschool girl behaved?

what I've learned

-absolutely nothing good can come out of overthinking things
-when i have days like these (when every fly or any other of these insignificant things makes me go completely insane), it's better if i lock myself in the basement -just to be sure i don't stab anyone with a pen
-people hardly ever think of others (that is if they ever do), so it really doesn't matter what they think of you
-there's no use in making lists, most of the items remain unchecked (but i still make lists)
-apparently our time is really limited so we shouldn't waste it, but the whole "live your life to its fullest" crap isn't at all inspiring, just depressing
-we need to get out of this town more often
-we all have guilty pleasures, but i really should stop smoking
-you can't cure insomnia
-the worst part of blogging is the fear that i'll waste my life in front of a keyboard. mm, too bad
-singing and dancing in your room might have serious consequences
-if you're going to screw up everything anyway, you might as well enjoy the process
-never miss concerts, especially if the band might never return to this shit hole again
-there has to be something better to do on a friday night instead of watching "Scarecrow" for the 5th time (like going to one of those not-to-be-missed-concerts, right?)
-everything else is secondary

les improvements

first of all, I'll finish all the books I gathered on my night stand. Before summer starts;
very important, I'll start taking guitar lessons again, the more time I waste, the less I remember from what I learned last year;
also, I'll try to update the blog as often as possible. It's kind of constructive, really, it helps me get out of my head for a little while, and get things in order;
oh, and about that..is there anybody even reading this? because if it is, it might get awkward at times, I'm sorry for that.
anther one..well, I want to start writting again. This one's a tricky one though. I'm a bit too subjective, and I hate almost everything I write. Maybe I'm not good at this at all. But that only leaves me with the music, and I'm to crazy to be a musician.
more, it would be nice if I wouldn't obsess on every little detail all the time. I need to be more relaxed. Seriously. Relax.
(i know it's kind of stupid, but I never had time for a proper "new year's resolutions", so this will have to do.)
going further, I know that nobody wants to hear any of my teenage shit, but I really miss having a crush. I miss that almost electric feeling in the pit of my stomach, I miss being happy for no apparent reason, I miss all the little things. You know what I mean? It's not normal to be in high-school and not to have a damn crush. It's been so long, too long.
also, I want late night walks and lots and lots of concerts. I want comfort. I'm sick of running and spinning around certain people and certain things because it's the "proper" thing to do. I want to do stuff. Too much of a cliche?

P.S.-Today I'm listening to:



this last one, I'm obsessed with it.

Angles

you can actually listen to the new Strokes album HERE, a week early...so good

FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT.
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FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT. FUCK IT.
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(tumblr) people,

what on earth are you trying to do?
There appears to be a huge amount of “concern” - praying, hoping, showing how much you "care" and talking about praying, hoping and "caring" (especially caring, everybody is ripping their souls in parts because of the horrible tragedy, oh my) all over tumblr today about Japan… but there seems to be little quantifiable action besides people drawing graphics and re-blogging news story links. I’m confused as to the aim of everyone on tumblr - do you want to raise awareness, is that it? Because this story is already covering the news, newspapers and internet. Or do you want to help the people in Japan that are facing fucking heavy property damage and possible lost loved ones? there has even been a train disappearance! a whole fucking train!
Re-blogging a link with a sad face as a tag isn’t doing anything tangible to help. Have some sense - stay aware of the situation and then either do something or be quiet. Or shall I say, shut the fuck up already. You're just sitting in your chair, comforted by the thought that you are on the other side of the planet. Don’t make this a trendy topic that shows that “i care so much".

the importance of being Morrissey

But you must be breaking someone's heart by saying "I've never gone out with anyone". There must be someone out there who will read this and say, "But I saw him for four years - how can he say that?"
There's a chilly pause. "There's nobody living on the planet who can say that. So there..."
Well, I don't believe you haven't ever gone out with anyone, Stephen [sic].
"Well, I haven't, so put that in your Sony cassette and..." He laughs sharply, almost harshly. "I really haven't."
But you're a human being.
"You've got no evidence of that," he rejoins. "Artists aren't really people. And I'm actually 40 percent papier mache."
Have you been in love with people?
"Oh yes. Real people with flesh and bones and eyes. But I'm so used to fantasy and everything being rock 'n' roll, I could never quite come out of the cinema and relate everything to the hard world. It was always at a distance. Always a dream. And I'm used to that now. I understand the life of books and films and music."
When's the last time you walked down the street holding someone's hand?
"I've never done that."
Ever?
"No! My mother, when I was one, perhaps."
When's the last time you snogged in the cinema?
"Never. You really do overestimate me, don't you? Can you really see me sitting in the back of the cinema snogging? Well, you should stop reading Cosmopolitan. It's not one of my strong points. You may bang your head against the hotel wall but there's nothing to tell. Nothing at all."
Fairly icy silence.
Did you friends ever suggest that by the time you were in your late 30's you'd want to settle down?
"No."
I'd think they'd want to see you happy.
"Maybe they do. I don't know. But they don't say."
Because they're not that crass?
"That's it. They're not that crass." He pauses and looks at the ceiling. "You know, this conversation has devolved dramatically."
....
I look at the man who not only invented Being Morrissey, but is still the unchallenged world champion. And I start to laugh. You're really good at this, you know, I giggle helplessly.
Morrissey rolls his eyes. "Ohhh, you can't keep an old pro down."

read here

things to cry about when I am old and lonesome

I've thought for a long time that I wanted to be 18, 20, 21 years old, and living a different life from this one. That I was tired of all the ogling, and the desperate need for attention, I was bothered how in this time of my life I can't really live, but only try and gather enough of everything so I can live later. I was tired of the way people drop in and out of my life, of how hard it is to find someone you can have a normal conversation with from time to time. It seemed possible, when I was younger, it was a refugee for all the hard times, that I will grow up and move away and find myself and all of that. Because now everything puts on so much pressure that it's suffocating, I feel like I'm between four walls, in a room that smells like a space heater pushing deep against the air inside. I've been missing out on a lot of things, for the simple fact that I take everything and twist it in my mind and make it so damn complicated. So now, I don't want big cities and falling in love in Paris anymore, I want something far more simple. No. Actually, I still want big cities and I want Paris and I want unlikely-to-happen-adventures, but I want even more. I know it's a cliche, but I'm already regretting a lot of things, and I now I will regret tons more when I'll be older, so I really prefer regretting things that I did do, taking chances, than things I didn't have the guts to try. I shouldn't be so terrified of making a bad decision, I can not avoid this.. endless "chain" of mistakes anyway.

Bad decisions make better stories, oh, that's comforting.

Sophie van der Perre

by sophie van der perre

I really like the soft light, the intimacy and the atmosphere of these photos. They just convey a particular mood, they have a subtle, intimate ambiance of some sort...

Lib-er-tine

one who does not restrain his desires or appetite; a debauchee

I'm really not sure what I believe in exactly, because I believe in too many things. For example, I guess I find a sort of divinity in stars, knowing that something is out there, and that it's constant enough, regardless of how lost or lonesome you feel. I also believe in karma, in ghosts (or wandering souls, or whatever), in luck and lucky charms, in second chances, in true love, in God. Well, actually I don't belive in God, but in A God. In something that's out there. It even confuses me. I don't know why everybody is arguing with me on this. I have nothing to offer to this people except my own fucking disorientation. Most of them think that because I can't name anything concrete that I believe in, I've been raised in a wrong way and I am spiritually deficient. And I want to say, that's just bullshit.

Inside

you need to watch this

Misanthropy

a general dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt or hatred of the human species, human nature or society. A mistrustful scorn for humankind.
Perfect for describing me on this foggy, freezing cold, useless morning. Cynical, grumpy misanthropist. Hopefully some coffee will help me pass through it.
As I said before, my life is getting quite turbulent and chaotic lately, but gladly this one week winter break will be a glorious rest from it all. I need to strike a balance.

"...i only wanted to lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty. how free it is, you have no idea how free."-Sylvia Plath, "The belly jar"

I ask you not to watch the video while listening to this song, but close you eyes and let it just seep into your blood. Oh please please do.

i'll never be tired of england

This is going to be my new soundtrack. So happy I finally found it, thank you!

la poésie est dans la rue

On a completely different tangent from what I've been writing lately, here's a quick update of what I've been doing. My life is getting ever more hectic this year, in a good way. Apart from the school crap, which I don't even find so tiring and demanding as everybody is complaining, these have been some really good days. I went to a lot of cultural events, and I'm really proud of myself because I never make the time for this anymore. I've been coping with school quite well, and I even started writing poetry again, after re-discovering two of my favorite poets (Traian T. Cosovei & Charles Bukowski).
So here's some poetry I've been enjoying, as of late. Of course it's Bukowski. Again.

there's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I'm too tough for him,

I say, stay in there, I'm not going

to let anybody see

you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I pur whiskey on him and inhale

cigarette smoke

and the whores and the bartenders

and the grocery clerks

never know that

he's

in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I'm too tough for him,

I say,

stay down, do you want to mess

me up?

you want to screw up the

works?

you want to blow my book sales in

Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that

wants to get out

but I'm too clever, I only let him out

at night sometimes

when everybody's asleep.

I say, I know that you're there,

so don't be

sad.

then I put him back,

but he's singing a little

in there, I haven't quite let him

die

and we sleep together like

that

with our

secret pact

and it's nice enough to

make a man

weep, but I don't

weep, do

you?

-"Bluebird", C.Bukowski

I started a personal collection of poetry. Who writes poetry in the morning? Preachers and wanderers? And thieves?

and me?

t a m e

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I just don't know what I'm supposed to be. I can't find a style of my own, whatever I write, compose, create, I hate. Everything I do seems so mediocre. It's not false modesty or anything. I strongly believe I suck at this. There are so many people who inspire me, that's why I started this blog in the first place, to collect inspiring works of people I admire. It seems I just can't really put this inspiration into something productive. Whatever I try, there goes nothing. They say every artist has his pauses and his moments of stagnation. Too bad I'm not at all an artist, to use that as a plausible excuse. I need musings and muses. I need something or someone to keep me "on the edge of my seat" again.
Oh, and this blog? This blog is a lousy excuse for a..whatever it's supposed to be. Seriously, don't you think?

Warhol & Hitchcock

two of my favorite people of all times

la douleur exquise

I'm sorry to cut in like this with another quote, it's just that other people's words simply fit in so well..They just say it better than I could. And I feel it this way, and it's real. So, when my words fail..
"Pain is strange. A cat killing a bird, a car accident, a fire…. Pain arrives, BANG, and there it is, it sits on you. It’s real. And to anybody watching, you look foolish. Like you’ve suddenly become an idiot. There’s no cure for it unless you know somebody who understands how you feel, and knows how to help."-Charles Bukowski
Mind you, I'm not trying to adopt their view of the world, although I assimilate it, it's fucking inspiration. It's a bit unoriginal, but I try to be real.
But actually the point of me writing this was to thank somebody. Let's face it, I'm brainsick, I'm often cast aside because of my self-destructive way of complicating everything..thank you for understanding, thank you for being there at all times. Too often I underestimate you, and right now, I'm so happy, there's no more room for my forsaken ghosts.

"Don't you just love New Years? You get to start all over. Everybody gets a second chance."

-Forrest Gump

as desperation takes hold

I'm sick of being so tired, so empty, so desperate..it's actually become frustrating, I excessively insist on this and victimize myself, and it's making me sick. Why do I need to keep complaining about it? A teenager who has issues, how refreshing! I'll try to keep it down, I promise. New year's resolution: I have to get my shit together. If only it was that simple.



Do you cry out in your sleep? All my failings exposed..
Gets a taste in my mouth, as desperation takes hold.
Why is it something so good just can't function no more?
And love, love will tear us apart again..